✤, do a loving act
i've started a new job a bit less than a month ago and already i have been times and times again reminded that kindness is often a choice people are not willing to make.
after quitting the job i had loved the most in my life, i had decided that i wanted to go back to something similar. i'd missed working with kids and having a job that had low consequences (working around money- assurances, shop clerk... stresses me out too much).
so i started working at a primary school again. the interview had been nice and i was looking forward to being surrounded by kids again and taking it easy while also having enough time to keep working on my art on the side.
the job of a canteen-lady/janitor is obviously not one that is highly regarded. people think less of you for doing this kind of job and you are oftentimes not treated as important- so i get how frustration can pile onto your back with time. but the more colleagues i've met (i've been sent on multiple sites because of the lack of employees) the more i was blown away by how cruel these ladies can be to each other.
two weeks ago, i was sent to other schools (they're all in the same neighbourhood which is nice) and met colleagues for the first time. when introductions were swiftly done with, there was always an abrupt change in conversation. "how are the kids" was assurely always followed by "oh yes- her, she's such a (...)". none of them lost any time to begin a plethora of insults towards xyz. they all seem to hate each other and think the worst of the person next to them.
it struck me that so many people are not willing to take a step back from a situation and give second chances, or even a chance to explain. they seem to close heavy doors between each other so that something so heavy and tall will keep blocking the path, insults and loathing whispered on the other side of the cold surface.
choosing kindness is difficult when you are wounded- of course it is. but when i watch over their conversations i wonder if they think about the image they give to other people. i wonder if they spend even a few seconds thinking about how cruel they look in an outsider's eyes such as me. maybe they don't care.
i was a teenager when i was introduced to the "sounder theory"- the realization that every passserby has a life as complex and important as yours, and that you can never guess what goes on in people's home. to this day i think back on it often.
most of the colleagues i had just met started, for some reason, confiding in me. these ladies whose voice i had just heard from the first time were quick to become quiet while telling me of their recent hardships. i could not help but think that they must be lonely and were eager to have someone lend an ear.
these past few weeks have been stressful. i've been on edge around everyone while also trying to remain unfazed by the words spouted around me. i began to feel scared, as if the potent nauseous smoke could spread and seep into me, making me lose my patience and retract the hand i should be offering.
in the midst of it all, a few kids have already registered my name and i have received my first hugs and first "i love you" from some of them.