✤, stuck in an adult's body
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saturday, a little girl went to some sort of professional event with their mom who is also looking for a new job. it was held in the same building that was hosting the animanga convention she'd gone the weekend prior to that, and now was filled with adults with suits whose gaze all felt judgemental and suffocating. the little girl went around once, talked to 2 people who immediately turned her down, went around one more time before escaping the building to stand on the parking lot. i was in this building for 5 minutes tops.
sometimes i try to force a way out for the anger i feel inside to stop being directed at me and try redirecting it to the bad experiences i've gone through...
of course you're scared of being an adult, you barely had the opportunity to be a child ! of course work spaces terrify you, when you were only 17 and had your very first summer job, you spent one month being belittled, exhausted and sexually assaulted by most of the staff. some jobs were good but never lasted long, and the ones that felt like an eternity were specially horrid.
that one time, i had agreed to help my neighbour run her store the week before christmas. i hated her as a neighbour but kept the act up because she was the one i would share rants about our building's noisy residents, i hated her as a person and thought of her bitter and mean. i found out i also hated her as a boss later in that shop. the longest job i had before my most recent one drove me to a depression i had fought back my hardest. i needed money fast and they hired me so into the snakes nest i went and stayed for 6 months before growing too frail to continue.
i wish things were simpler. i wish i wasn't so scared of life all the time. i wish i had the ability to walk into that building and face these adults as their equal, get what i need and make my own way through all of this.
"how odd it is that our lives ask us to live them, that the world is so dense and clammy with all these lives being lived all at once." -renée branum