✤, the broken toy
◈.◎━━━━━━◎
I turned 26 last week and felt like it might have just been one of the emptiest days of my life. I have always, always loathed the struggle of going through my birth day every year, but this one was specifically horrid in its silence. I answered every texts with bittersweet thanks and just wished for tomorrow the entire day.
Every birthdays for I'd say... a decade now, I resent whenever people ask me how my day went, what I did, what gifts I received; because every time the answer is nothing, with the exceptions of a few loving friends who spend time and effort to send me a little something, which I will always be thankful for. But when people have had parties, surprises, grand gifts and multiple hours spent with their loved ones, I get a day spent wishing time would fast forward to the next.
I often put all my problems on my treatment that's wearing me down a bit more every day, but in reality, I have been feeling like those broken toys you find in your childhood home; the ones that let out a mechanical dissonant voice but don't do much else but resist the tug of time. I am, like a broken toy, just letting things wash over me. I have been feeling hollow for the longest time, and sometimes I fear my own thoughts of wishing my life was not ruined... I'm 26. I should give myself a break.
I also feel foolish for taking so long figuring my own mind out. The comfort that aroace describe in their way of loving others doesn't resonate with me as much as I had hoped it would, which only makes me feel more estranged to everyone
I carry with me the same shame that my mother bears with her when she begs me not to end up the same way she did.
I wake up with annoyance and self loathing towards my own passiveness, who only wishes things were different but refuses to get out of their comfort zone to make things actually move and change.
This might as well be a scream for help.
I need to make dinner.
anyways. i've been rediscovering willow lately and ceremonial contrafact is even better than i remember.... i have multiple songs among my favourites and run is definitely one of them
#journal #guilt #frustration